Monday, November 14, 2016 pardon the dust while this all settles in

it feels like falling. 
it feels like rain.
like losing my balance 
again and again. 
it once was so easy;
breathe in. breathe out.
but at the foot of this mountain, 
i only see clouds.

i feel out of focus, 
or at least indisposed
as this strange weather pattern
inside me takes hold.
each brave step forward, 
i take three steps behind
it's mind over matter -
matter over mind.

then all at once.
a single loose thread
and it all comes undone.

where there is light,
a shadow appears.
the cause and effect
when life interferes. 
the same rule applies
to goodness and grief; 
for in our great sorrow,
we learn what joy means.

i don’t want to fight, 
i don’t want to fight it.
but i will learn to fight,
i will learn fight
’til this pendulum finds equilibrium.

then all at once.
the dark clouds depart,
and the damage is done.

so pardon the dust
while this all settles in.
with a broken heart,
transformation begins.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Trust in Him

This past week has been one of silent tears for me, but not for the reasons one might think. I drive to work with the tears flowing, but pull myself together long enough to complete my work only for the tears to return on the way home. I have such a heaviness of heart, not for the mess that our American politics is having on this country or even the world for that matter, but because of the effect it continues to have on the lives of families and friends as a result. It brings out the worst in us. It opens the door to how people really feel. It removes the veil. How do we move forward knowing that we are the Bane of someone else's existence?  How do we repair relationships that we thought we had, but now realize we never really had in the first place? Is the chasm so deep in this country that relationships will be changed forever all because one side or the other didn't get their way? I can deal with the politics. It has been corrupt for quite some time. I have faith that God is still in charge regardless of which party controls the land, but I can't deal with where we are going when it comes to relationships. My experiences this week have caused me to look within. I admit that I can be a pretty naive person at times.  My husband has always said that I see things through a different set of eyes than the rest of the world. I guess that is true. I've always known where I stood when it comes to relationships with others. It doesn't come easy to me. In fact, I'm quite bad at it. It is really hard to admit that I am the unlovely one, but deep down I know that to be true. Where did I go wrong? Have I not loved deeply enough? Have I lost my compassion and understanding? Why am I so broken and unfixable? Why is the pain so intense? Why can't I let go? I do know one thing for sure and for certain. No matter how far I fall, He is always there to catch me, to comfort me in my time of sorrow, to heal my broken heart. He is the one I will continue to trust. Thank You God for loving the me that no one else can see.

Trust in You
Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Your Love Always Carried Us

Each time I talk with my momma, I feel a little bit more of her slipping away. This brave woman has overcome a lot in her lifetime surviving a brain tumor before I was born... yet, she was able to bring me into this world, and provide so much love and care along the way. Simply put, she was always there for me.

There are two kinds of "letting go" as I see it in Motherhood.  There is the letting go of your children when they make their way out into the world on their own, and there is the letting go of your momma when she steps through the veil into the arms of Christ. Each is hard in its own regard, but this in between where you watch the mind of this caring woman deteriorate with each passing day is hard to take...simply heartbreaking. I want to do more, but realize that I am helpless in so many ways.

I'm thankful for the years that I have had because they almost didn't happen. I'm thankful for the momma who took me to church throughout my childhood, and encouraged me to live a Godly life, and prayed for me without abandon. Today, and everyday, I honor you Momma, and thank God that he placed me in your arms at the very beginning. Lately,I've been listening to Christa Wells a lot. Her songs speak the words that I wish I could say.... This song is for you momma....

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

The light is always on in this Mama's heart

Twenty-Eight years ago, I gave birth to my youngest son. It's hard to believe that my little Mothers Day present in 1986 is now grown with three of his own. I came across this song today and it resonated with me so thought I'd share it for all the mothers that have a tough time letting go, and for my son as he celebrates his birthday tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Joe Boy! My porch light will always be on for you. - Love from your mama!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, April 05, 2014

Siblings teach what parents cannot

I came across this quote today, and thought how much it reminds me of my own four...

"Danny and I both adore our siblings, who are some of our best friends. We both believe that siblings teach you what parents cannot: how to compromise, how to fight, how to defend each other, how to make up secret languages, how to make each other laugh." -Shauna Ahern

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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Bionic Mama

My mom had surgery on her right arm today. It has been totally useless since Jan 10th when she had her Grand Mal seizure. Both arms were broken, but the right arm was more severe with a fractured humerus and the ball which was split in half. Half was jammed into the socket and the other half is floating around somewhere there.

My cousin, Lynn, came down and sat with my dad for awhile. Thank you so much for that Lynn...and thanks for telling me that mom looked strong and rested for surgery. It was a comfort to me since I couldn't be there.

My mom had a complete shoulder replacement including a brand new ball and shoulder joint. You could say that she is now The New Bionic Woman!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone